Andrew is coming to visit for Thanksgiving.  He’ll be here for a week.

Normally I would just be happy about this.  I should just be happy about this.  If I were normal, if I didn’t have this relationship with someone that I just can’t get out of my head, if I weren’t basically a cheater.

But instead I’m worrying, wondering if he’ll go through my computer.  Biting my nails over the fact that he might discover something I don’t want him to see.  

The really dirty stuff (my correspondence with Raison, dating back more than 6 years) is behind lock & key; I use IE to access that particular gmail account & I don’t ever save my password, plus I use CCleaner to clean up any tracks on my computer IE might leave. (Paranoid?  Probably, considering no one else has access to this computer…. usually.  This visit is an unusual situation.)

Forcing myself to use a different browser is also a stop-gap, an enforced pause that reminds me every time I boot up IE:  “Do I really want to go back here?”  And so far, the answer is always yes, god yes, please yes.  Please let him have answered my latest email.

But, regardless, there are still things beyond emails I don’t want Andrew to see.  Pictures that I didn’t send to him.  Logs from my friends on AIM where he’s mentioned, where Raison is mentioned.  Conversations on IRC.  All automatically logged, thanks to Pidgin, which I’ve always considered a blessing because of my bad memory.  Although it’s apparently also a curse!

Time to go get a cheap flash drive & put the really sensitive stuff on there, I suppose.

Also time to up the stakes, since Raison hasn’t answered my latest email.  I could send him some pictures; I have a few he’s not seen yet, crotch shots & fun with toys.  Even a movie, but I’ll save that for when he’s good.